The Art of Staying: Part 2. Why You Mistake Intensity for Connection (And How to Break the Pattern)

Its taken me a few decades, but I finally noticed a pattern in myself that somehow had flown under the radar for years. And it’s not unique to me. I’ve noticed similar patterns in friends and clients.

Close 1:1 relationships with other people have often missed the mark for me. Don’t get me wrong, I have several close friends and have been/am in partnership. I always feel like I’m open, relatable, and real and couldn’t seem to put my finger on why that area of my life always seemed less alive, or amiss, to me. Then I started deeper shadow work, paid closer attention to my attachment patterns and subtle responses, and did some deeper research. And this past week, a medical astrology course I’m taking gave me a final piece of the missing puzzle. And I want to share it with you today.

About why some of us don’t feel comfortable, or truly lit up, in calm, steady, healthy connection. And instead, feel pulled towards things, or people, that are a little inconsistent, a little less clear…and perhaps more intense.

And I believe the answer to this is partly biological and partly related to patterns, that we created and started years ago, in childhood.

When a child’s connection with a primary caregiver felt unpredictable, emotionally distant, conditional, or something you head to learn to read and adjust to, it alters your ability to form healthy connection. You slip into adaptation and survival mode and learn to stay connected the best way that you can.

Your awareness becomes heightened.

Attuned.

And, you notice shifts quickly.

You learn how to feel when something is off.

And, before you realize it, your brain begins to wire and establish that connection isn’t something you just receive or co-create, but something that you have to stay vigilant and on top of.

So later in life, when something feels calm, steady, and easy, it doesn’t always register as “safe”. In fact, sometimes it feels quite the opposite.

Quiet.

Less than thrilling.

Sometimes even registering as “off” or uncomfortable.

And that can make you self abandon, escape, or otherwise feel less than fully checked in, engaged, and present.

Sometimes it can even make you reject healthy connection all together.

But, when something new comes in that feels a little inconsistent?

When there is that subconscious pull…then distance…then pull again?

Well that old, familiar pattern gets your attention immediately.

Because it makes you feel something.

Alive. Focused. Engaged. And often oddly thrilling and comfortably familiar at the same time.

And this is the pattern that I’ve recently identified and looked at more closely - in myself, friends, and even others who I have read charts for.

Because there is a reason that this happens.

And its not just emotional.

Its biological and there is real science to back it up.

Our brains are wired to respond really strongly to uncertainty.

Its a survival mechanism and its tied to one of the most primal parts of our brain.

Dopamine - the excitatory neurotransmitter tied to motivation and reward - doesn’t spike most when something is secure.

It spikes when something is just out of reach.

When its unclear.

When it might happen….but might not.

So when connection feels intermittent, almost like a chase:

attention —> distance —> attention again…

your system locks in.

Not necessarily to the person, but to the pattern.

Because again, if you learned any kind of maladaptive attachment as a child (emotional neglect, abuse, mother wounding, etc) that taught you that connection is conditional, unstable, and requires effort or hyperawareness…

this pattern can feel strangely familiar.

Even if you know intellectually that it isn’t healthy.

And the craziest part of this I recently learned in a medical astrology class is that each of the elements are associated with a neurotransmitter which can be imbalanced when there is an elemental imbalance. And for fire, this is dopamine. Which makes sense anectodotally with what I have seen in practice.

That natural drive to move toward something, to engage, to pursue, to feel.

It’s a beautiful initiatory energy.

But, if its not grounded in a deeply rooted and healthy sense of self-worth, it can easily slip into chasing something just to feel the activation of it.

And this is where it gets a little bit uncomfortable to admit - sometimes what we call “connection” is just activation.

That heightened state of thinking about something, feeling it, trying to understand it, and wanting to get back to it.

And because it feels strong and intense - we assume it’s meaningful.

But strong doesn’t always mean healthy and real.

I’ve also been noticing how this shows up beyond just romantic interest.

Friendships.

Conversations.

Even how we respond to people being kind to us.

If you are used to earning connection….genuine kindness can feel almost confusing.

Even threatening or suspicious.

You question motives.

Or it just doesn’t land as authentic and deep.

Because there is no tension attached to it.

And it feels different than the pattern you are used to.

And that’s when we start to see the pattern more clearly.

This isn’t just about who we’re connecting with.

Its about how we relate to connection itself.

There’s also this other layer to this all that is hard to ignore:

we tend to keep encountering the same kinds of dynamics —

until something in us shifts.

Not in a “you’re attracting this” kind of blame -

but an understanding in a very real, grounded way that our relationships are mirrors to us. They show us what we still seek subconsciously and haven’t yet fully integrated.

Because the truth is that we feel drawn to what feels familiar to our system.

And what we haven’t fully seen, healed, and integrated in ourselves yet…we often meet through other people.

So we stay engaged.

Trying to figure it out.

Sitting in comfort or familiarity even when perhaps we know we shouldn’t.

Trying to stabilize it.

Trying to get it to land.

When really - its here to show us something.

And for me, this is where the Scorpio part comes in.

Not the intensity that people talk about.

But the depth.

The honesty.

The willingness to actually sit with my shadows and sit with what’s real.

Not chasing the high.

Not needing the pull.

Just…staying.

Staying when it’s quiet.

Staying when nothing is being performed.

Staying when connection is just…there.

And getting really curious about digging deeper into what all of this means and how I can help bring myself to fuller wholeness.

Because that’s the part that changes everything.

Because it asks you to let go of the idea that connection has to feel intense to be meaningful.

And to start recognizing that what is real is often more steadier than that.

I’ve had to be really honest with myself about this:

how easy it is to mistake activation for bonding.

how quickly I can overlook and take for granted what is actually stable.

and how often I’ve given my energy to something just because it made me feel something. Not necessarily that I truly wanted, but often what I am lacking, or willing to see in myself.

And at some point, you start to see the truth in the pattern a bit more clearly:

Its not that connection isn’t available or real.

It’s that your system is still oriented towards what activates you.

And that’s not something to judge.

But it is something to shift.

Because real authenticity doesn’t feel like a spike. At least not longterm; after the initial whirlwind of electric connection you may feel in a special connection.

It certainly doesn’t pull you in and push you away.

And, it doesn’t require you to prove anything.

It just….exists.

And the more you learn to stay with that - even when it feels unfamiliar at first - the more everything starts to recalibrate.

You stop chasing.

You start recognizing.

You start choosing differently.

And you begin to rewire and heal.

Because perhaps the real shift is this:

you are not being denied deeper connection.

You are simply learning how to recognize it, rest in it, invite and value it.

Because if you weren’t modeled and taught healthy connection and attachment to begin with, it’s reasonable that you wouldn’t recognize and relate to it comfortably when you are offered it. And that’s both the test, the journey, and the gift.

And if I’m being honest…this is the part that I’m still learning too.

Because seeing the pattern is one thing.

You don’t heal by chasing intensity.

You heal by staying.

Staying when it’s quiet.

Staying when it’s unfamiliar.

Staying when nothing is pulling you in or pushing you away.

Because real connection doesn’t activate your chaos.

It doesn’t entice you with toxicity.

It asks for your presence.

That takes a different kind of awareness.

A different kind of capacity.

And it requires deeper healing.

Part 3, is where we go deeper-

Not just the “why” - but the how.

How to:

• stop chasing the spike

• actually feel safe in steady connection

• and start rewiring the patterns that keep pulling you back

How you actually shift this pattern at the nervous system level.

Because awareness is powerful.

But integration and healing are what actually change your life.

And if calm feels boring…

and intensity feels like connection…

this is the work.

Until Next Time, Much Love Along Your Journey,

Seraph

xoxo